You're the safest place I know where to Hide.

Here's what has been going on, for all this time you've not heard from me:

My first year at PSB Academy has ended, and so have the examinations.
My first official week of holidays have never been this fulfilling - Not until now.
I've met up with people who matter and who made me feel, mattered.

For those who don't know, I spent 3 days in KL with my classmate and her family. I've already met up with 3 different people and watched 2 movies in a span of 4 days, since I arrived back home.

On one hand, I truly enjoyed this week but on the other, I think I let my guard down too much, too soon.

"Is that bad?"

Well, yes. Because it worries me that I've allowed myself to take priority. I guess I told myself that I deserved it, a tad too much.

For 6 whole days, I let my hair down and enjoyed the freedom that I earned. And for just a night, I'm trembling.

I'm trembling for my heart, for Sengkang One and for letting myself take the place of things that matter more to me than myself.

People always tell me, "It's okay. You deserve this." To a certain extent, yes, it IS okay. After working so hard for 2 full weeks, I absolutely deserve a break, don't I?

But why does this break seem to be breaking other parts of me?

It wasn't supposed to be this way. I never intended for this. I thought I'd be alright. And I really am, alright? I just don't feel, alright.

I'm pretty sure God would've wanted me to take a break as well but this discomfort is crawling right up my neck. I wonder if I've always been this way?

I was listening to an old Christian song and that song shouted this out loud at me: "You're the safest place I know where to hide".

I cringed knowing that I've not been residing and hiding in my safest place. It's like knowing that God is standing right there with a bath tub filled with water and a towel, all ready to clean you up. But you run the other way, right to the mud pit and you start playing and rolling in the mud, again.

Then, you emerge filthy, muddy and dirty, all over again.

You want nothing more but to be washed clean, because you knew you deserved it. You deserve to be clean. Then you question yourself, did I do something wrong? I merely had a little fun, a little freedom and a little enjoyment. What's wrong with that? Was I wrong? It is, if you leave what's important behind - If you forget and couldn't care less simply because you think you deserve and have the right to put it on hold.

This week marked the beginning of my struggle with excuses. I've made uncountable excuses because I kept telling myself that I deserved this break. These excuses are piling, and I'm feeling less and less alright. That, isn't alright with me.

This strange tugging isn't fading, it's pulling a little harder each time. I'm not being paranoid nor am I not trying to take this easy. Maybe the discontent never left me enough to allow my heart to swim in the freedom I deserve and earned. It's no wonder I'm trembling.

To my 3 dear friends who made time to meet up with me, thank you so much for making my week so incredibly joyful. Really.